So I'm not sure exactly how long it's been since my last post but I got an email saying my password had been reset or needed be reset or something and I don't know if this was a site wide thing or someone trying to access my journal, if the latter then no, back off, mine.
So first things first, I got a really good job, union pay and health, really freaking easy labor wise, almost no stress on my mind or body. So of course it was too good to last. Just a little over two years later they had a massive lay off, more than half of the factory, whole departments gone in a blink, people who had been with the company for ten or more years gone, and the blood letting of the management was never ending. It was a really surreal experience to witness and go through.
I then spent about a solid month in shock. I did nothing but watch dramas and anime and figure out that I really need only about four hours of sleep for such a sedentary life.
I have a semblance of a plan to advance though, first thing is taking test to prove that I am not stupid and am in fact an actual functioning adult. Then I can take specialty courses for a 'quick career'. After that is in place I can see about an actual degree. I just figured that the world really isn't like when my parents were my age (coughyoungercough) and could go from job to job without higher learning. So I need a base, it sucks and it's not an overnight thing, and it's probably going to involve more work than I really want to put into anything, but after it's done then it's something solid to stand on and say I have.
On the lighter side of life I've become obsessed with Haikyu!! In the way I haven't cared about an anime or manga since Sailor Moon obsessed, I mean yeah I liked them, even bought them, watched them, read them, cared for as long as it was in my hands or line of sight. But this is something I think about almost all of the time, I'm trying to not be overly involved, checking for constant updates and such, but it's just such a nice story, the characters are really great, even if there is a shit load of them. But it's nice having a story that I can just escape into again and just let it happen and not worry too much about it, it is a sports manga after all.
- Music:true crime in the background
I've just finished the Divergent trilogy. I want every single second I devoted to that thing back, including watching the movie. Just aarrrrggggghhhhhhh!
It had been a slow but steady journey to the macabre side of life. To have sarcasm drip like honey from the lips, to see and almost hope for the pessimistic outcome in events.
But not this, never this, this was morbid. She didn't want to be here, didn't want to go out for a nice dinner afterwards. All of these cars, were they all here for the same thing? It was unnatural, she would take no part in it. This sick parade, this morbid show, what good would come of this? These forced tears, were they all for her, she had never seen most of these people before, were they all for her.
She was resolved to never know, let others send her regards, her regrets, her words that were never enough and never right, never fully expressing the feeling of it all, she wouldn't speak in this. This was unnatural. She would never see her again, never say goodbye, never see how pretty she looked all dressed in white. Never see her parents cry, and all the flowers placed around.
She'll stay in the passenger seat and slide real low, she won't say a word or shed a tear even if they threaten to spill, she tries not to look at the doors and all the people that pass between, the light yellow in the night. All of the boys in suit pant and button up the girls in their flowery best. No not her, she veered to the black, the dark of it all, and stayed low in the passenger seat, checking the clock, waiting for time to pass. She wouldn't say goodbye, it never came near her lips, no words did, they knew her eyes too well. She wouldn't let them see, not them, they would never know, the lover for her, the loss of her, screams raced through her numb mind. Then the door opened and the driver slipped in and asked her one more time if she would go in. She shook her head and a tear slipped out, damn things, she buckled her belt and leaned on the window, never to see her again. She'd rather remember her laughing and smiling, running about, teaching her to ride a bike, not laid out in a pretty dress, with flowers all around, her eyes closed and her face serene before they forever close the lid of that wooden box.
I'm always horrible at starting letters, I never know how to properly address it. You are not my Dear, or my Darling, or my Love. I refuse to use your word of 'buddy' really who says that?
My Sometimes Lover,
It'll have to do. This is not one of those 'it's not you it's me' things. Because it is you and me. In the beginning I was willing and ready to dive in heart open head in the clouds and ready to follow anywhere you would lead. Not so much anymore. I thought I knew you, I realize I was mistaken. You are not who I thought I knew, maybe I never really knew who you were I just thought I did. I try to think back on it and it's shocking to me how much I can't really recall you. Perhaps you've always been like this and I was living under the guise of wishful thinking.
You wonder why you can't keep friends or lovers, trust me, it's you. They are not as you so colorfully put it 'blood sucking cunts from hell'. It's you. You complain constantly about things you could change, yet you don't even attempt to change them. You laze around all day, you sleep for twenty hours a day and wonder why you can't get a job. You bitch about not having any money, yet somehow you manage to buy frivolous things for your hobby. Yes it is a hobby, not a career. You spend little time and effort on it and bitch at the things you don't have and can't do because you don't have. If you really wanted it you would go and get it. You sleep and watch tv and look for girls to date online. You have problems and issues that need professional attention. I am not a professional and after three months of hearing it I don't want to hear anymore.
Your work ethic is laughable, and then you have the nerve to complain about others. You fuss at people who help you, that was the line. I realize that now. I realized that then but thought I could move past. I can't, I will always go back to that. You upset me, I don't like that. To look at you and hear your voice is a source of irritation to me. I went out of the way for you, put my reputation on the line for you and this is how you repay me? By being a slack-ass? It's disgusting to me. I'm fortunate that those in charge do not blame me for you. They understand I thought you were something else and you have proven over and over to them how much we are different. That you will never put in the effort or drive that a good employee has, which is also why you will never succeed into turning your hobby into a career, you have no drive and will not put in the effort. It stops being about the money and starts being about you at step one. There are limits on us all in everything, but if we truly desire we will overcome and succeed.
Will I continue to go to bed with you, yes. I would not deny myself the pleasure.
I will humor your moods less and less. I will seldom agree you, our beliefs and opinions are so dissimilar it's hard to believe you haven't noticed yet. Very little you say or do makes me laugh. Is that not a sad thing that one who is suppose to be your friend makes you laugh far less than coworkers? I have few moments anymore that I want to share with you. I would rather be by myself. I know for you that is a painful thing, alone. I myself am comfortable with it and often embrace and welcome it. I was ready to Love you, to be with you. You drove me away, you have proven you are not the man for me. I will still care for you, I may even mourn this loss a little, not much though, you're too much of an ass for me to care that I won't have you.
Please also understand, I am not the exception, I am the rule. There are very few self respecting women who will have you as is. You must either change or be very very lucky to get one who will stick around and tolerate you for an extended period of time. For my sake I hope she comes along and soon so I can pass you off and get some peace.
Your sometimes lover.
I had an unblissful half hour of do nothing last Sunday and this is what happened. To note this had been building for a few hours that morning.
Love is a disease, A plague, A cancer. All consuming and mind numbing.
Infatuation at it's worst. Making you want to scream and cry and be held all at the same time.
Jealously comes when you least expect it, directing it at the least likely of suspects. It's not their fault you assure yourself, they're just the one who go caught in the middle.
But still you wonder, the middle of what. Nothing defined. Nothing said. Hints, windows. Then doors locked and key put away and then something cracks all over again and you just want to cry.
Should of never opened the door, never walked through. The silent distance would be better defined. At least then you would know, have some footing, but the gap is wide and foreboding.
And the heart still races and the sighs are long, because nothing has been said. It's all consuming. Looking makes it worse.
Writing at least helps to understand. Get it out. Explain the unexplainable.
Not wanting to be so out of control with thought and desire. In so much pain when nothing is said, so scared the wrong thing will be said. It's been said before. Not able to be undone. So much silence now, knowing that it doesn't help, words help. It's just how not to say the wrong words.
Desperate and crazy is no way to be.
And then I went and got myself together before I went and cried at work. Then I did something really stupid and flung opened a door I had closed and that man has been just been waiting for it to crack open a little of give him some hope. His actions later that evening and Monday were evidence to that. I'm a bad person sometimes, normally when I'm being selfish and jealous. Crazy emotions make it seem like time has stretched for eternity. It's hard to believe all of that happened only two days ago. I have to get myself in check.
I also have a doctors appointment tomorrow, which should be interesting because I'm planing on getting on birth control and all for him and god I don't even know how to complete that thought.
- Music:top forty
First, I'm incredibly impressed that this journal hasn't been deleted yet since I haven't posted since 2007. Second, It's nice to know that people can find a bit of comfort in knowing there are other people who feel the same way about the holidays. Yay for strangers post!
Now to the meat.
You'd think I'd learned my lesson in love and just stay the hell away from it. All the disillusion and pain it's brought me should be proper warning, or at least a reason for why I'm so skiddish going into this. And of course he had to bring major luggage to the party as well. It's just that it's him, and my stomach does flips and my heart races and I get all nervous and quiet, which makes him ask if I'm alright and I just want to look at him and tell him 'of course I'm alright you're standing in front of me and made me a cd full of love songs and you just made my day by being in it!' I will never say this. But he's been hurt, and I've been hurt and neither of us is moving very fast which is very frustrating, because he's finally free and I get my second chance which I've wanted for years. And every time I start to doubt, start to think I'm crazy, that he's not interested, that it's all in my head, I wonder why he made me a cd full of love songs.
I will not put my life on hold, in fact I think it just kicked into gear. I will go to England as planed and if the whole thing changes in a week I may never come out of my room again.
I want him to be available for me to love him as I want to, I want to be loved by him. All these years and only constantly coming into contact with him makes me think things about the universe and fate and stuff that has no bearing on if he'll want to go bowling on Thursday. God I hope he says yes.
I also sneakily gave him all he needs to truly find out about me and my dramas and fantasies, just don't know if he's as neurotic as me. We'll see.
It's not that I don't like Christmas, I do, truly I do. It's just that there's so much of it. And it starts right after Halloween. I like the lights and trees and ornaments and smells of it. I even like what it means. But after all of that we still have one day of the year where we have to go and get something for other people. It makes our wallets cry. And while we don't do anything big at my house anymore we still have to do something. I make the big dinner, I put up the tree (fake this year), I get presents for daddy, some he knows about some he doesn't. Daddy pays for the big dinner, admires the tree, gets me presents all of which I know about despite me telling him repeatedly to surprise me. I even made a list with prices and locations and he still has me go pick them out. Then we go visit the grandmother and aunt. It's routine. It's an obligation. And this day could come and go without me blinking an eye. Except then I have to clean up from the big dinner and take down the tree and clean up the wrapping paper. And go to work the next day.
But then it's over and the new year a week later, more making the wallet cry. And then we're done until Easter. Which luckily for me and mine we don't do anything for except eat the chocolate.
I just want to SCREAM!!!!!
I want someone to pay and be broken and bleed. I want to face them and cut them and slap them until they can't stand or walk or talk. I want their hands and eyes and feet mounted on my wall. I want the police to find these scum and hold them down while I beat them to a bloody pulp.
Not only are they cowards to break into my home while I'm gone, but to be stupid enough to want only the guns, not the brand new computer with the LCD flat screen that's just sitting out in the open, not the reloading equipment that means you never have to pay full price for ammo again, not the tv's not the dvd player or dvds, not the stereo, or the money just sitting out for anyone to take. NO, they just wanted the guns, but the guns were all in a locked safe and when they couldn't find the keys, making a complete ransack in the process they just took the safe. Then idiots that they are tried to shot the safe open. Of course by that time they had already got the safe out of the house, onto a truck, and up the road. They took it to a field not too far away, I could probably get there in less than ten minutes, and then tried to shoot it open. HELLO, this is an actual real life safe, not a movie script. And you are not professionals. And what happens to a somewhat fragile item in a big metal safe after you drag it here and there and throw it in a truck and drive it up the highway and then try to put shot through it. You damage the item you're after. This is not money, this is not diamonds, these are guns. They break. Easily.
At the same time the deputy was responding to our call, another was responding to bright lights and shots in a field. Some neighbor probably thought they were spotlighting deer. Thank god for honest people. So they didn't get the guns, that means they can't use them or put them on the streets. They destroyed our safe, and they still got away with two tool boxes, both older than me, and full of a small fortune in tools. Hand tools, gun tools, almost all older than me, which means they were made when things were meant to last for the next hundred years, that rips me up more than the guns. That they got away with them and probably don't even realize what they have.
And all I can think about is that it's probably someone we see almost everyday, or someone who knows them. I had to be someone who's seen my dad loading the car on the way to target practice, and just recently too, because he hasn't gone alot this year. Someone who saw him last week, the week before, someone we drive by on the way to work, on the way home, it's not hard to get our schedule, no car home, one light on. Saw one leave earlier, saw the other leave later. All the neighbors closed their doors and went inside for the night. Because it had to of been after eight, and we got home right before nine thirty, and they were responding to the safe call at the same time as ours. They didn't even take any ammo.
Broken through the back door, broke the catch on the screen, crowbarred the door lock. We're getting deadbolts this morning.
They didn't hurt the dog but she won't go to where it happened, I think she must of tried to scare them but only ended up scared.
I can see where they dragged it through the yard, where it was laying on its side. I want them to bleed and pay for what they've done. I know God will take care of it and they'll have horrible karma for they rest of their lives, I just want the rest of their lives to be two seconds and then hit by a big rig.
And now it rains.
The deputy said we should be able to get our guns back in about fifteen days, That's just a little too long for me, I have the money and a clean record I should be able to go out and get one for my room on monday, as in how I don't know if they issue permits on friday and the weekend to see what I want. Preferably something that'll leave a big hole in someones' chest.
I quit one job today right before starting a new one. No one figured it out for at least an hour, then they came over. Bad thing about new job being right beside old job. And most of the emploies are on good terms with each other. I wanted to go to a different location purely for that reason but I'm here for a while at least, we'll see. Anyways, they came over, it was kind of funny, but they wanted to talk about there, and I just have no more interest for there. Yes it was over two years of my life, so I'm not just going to forget it, and more than likely I'm always going to go back to it in my mind, but it's going to be a minute before I actually go back there.
I don't regret my decision, it's one that had to be done and if not now, then it wasn't going to happen for awhile. Besides I just have to get through sixty days and I've got benefits, hell I did sixty at wal-mart.
Now to compare.
Old Job:Over two years no benefits of anykind.
New Job:Just sixty days to go
OJ:Lazy workers and I end up doing the bulk of it.
NJ:Workers who work and I get to stand and do nothing because I don't know what to do yet.
OJ:Sucky boss, who gave no respect or raises or decent hours to those who actually worked.
NJ:Sucky bosses, who give pretend respect and regular raises and 40 hours every week.
OJ:Don't want to think about it anymore, so new topic.
My Computer Situation Update; I want one, but I want a good one, and of course every company lets you customize now, but everytime I do that it ends up being over a thousand dollars. Right now the ones I'm looking at that have everything I want out of the box are over 500. Which isn't horrible. It's just a bad month for money and I'm going to have less at the end of it than I did in the beginning. July should rock but it's not here yet and it requires me keeping my new job. I think I'll wait for the whole back to school tax free weekend to come around again. If I can wait that long.
I am so drained right now.
Had one of the longest weirdest days I can have. I woke up insanely early when I so didn't have to. Then I had to go get my computer from the niffty store I didn't know existed until tuesday. I'm almost certain I could build a new computer from just that store alone.
So it works again, otherwise I wouldn't be on here, I should of had them clear out the viruses and stuff while they had it, and upgrade it and well so many things I should of done but didn't do. (Mark of a true Procrastinator)
Go to walmart to get a cheapo emachine tower, because once it really gets down to it I just need the tower. Only it looks like the mart has stopped selling emachines and has others and the cheapest is 450 something for just the tower. Then here I go thinking, well hell for only 100 more I can get it at best buy and get the whole package.
Go to best buy, realize I don't want to spend that amount of money right now, if I wasn't hungry and had had more sustance than 2 glasses of tea that day I probably would of gotten it. Then the store guy, not a geek even, comes by and says that this other one would be better, of course it cost more then he starts talking about anti-virus and spy-ware like I understand the words coming out of his mouth. Then I catch onto 'payment plan' and I start thinking that maybe I don't have to spend all my money right now. The floresent catches up me and I have to leave.
Then go to another wal-mart, same thing as above, should of known.
Hook up my computer, and it works, yay. Get online, go through mail, see father leave to go shoot some test rounds. Get call from new job I haven't started yet, yet have been in the process of getting hired for over a month. I was avaliable to start there a month ago, yet their delaying has convinced me not to rush into anything with them. I thought I would start today, thinking all the weirdness was behind me, so I check on Saturday when the schedule is suppose to come out, I'm not on it, fine whatever I have a job, tuesday I go in to do finish up some usless training that will mean nothing until I can actually do something, get told to check the schedule again, because you know it's tuesday and it should say something about wednesday, I'm not on it. It's cool I already told my other job I'm staying on not quiting because it's just a hassle and they're freaks, I figure that they'll call me when they call me. So today they call me, at two, asking if I knew I was suppose to be at work at one? Umm, No. didn't the lady tell me? Umm, No. When is my last day at my current and I say it's next week and they say they thought it was yesterday which it was until I couldn't fine my name on the schedule a day before I was suppose to start. Fine, I start next week, unless I completly freak and hide in my spider hole to get away from all the freaks, I'll come out for Liar Game.
But wait it's not over. Father comes home, takes his bath, then we go out to eat. Why are we going out to eat? Because we're going back to best buy, please be aware at this point in time, this store is on the completly oposite side of town from where I live. So we're going to get something to eat over there then go to the store, Dinner is surprisingly good, it better be for $20 dollars that's coming from my acount. Go to best buy, that is unnessarily crowded an hour before it closes, get confused by prices that no longer make sense of anykind, look for the tag that tells me the price of the package that I chose this morning, can't find it. Store guy comes along ask if I need help, I tell him I plan on buying a computer tonight but want to do the payment plan, he takes me to customer service which goes into the process of seeing if I can be approved.
Note: I takes far too long for them to tell a person no.
Which isn't a huge thing, I still have the money, I just got into the idea of not paying that huge sum all at once. It was a nice idea. When I was indulging myself in this idea I even let the more expensive machines catch my eye. bad lilie bad. It's not that I have debts, not that I've ever been late on a payment I was in charge of, not that I have no money. It's just to all the credit people (except capital one to my annoyance) I don't exsist. I have no credit history at all. And this frightens stores, but I'm an adult now and it's becoming annoying.
On the way home I decided that I might want to do more than a days worth of looking around for this decision. I'll get my computer, I just don't know when.