First, I'm incredibly impressed that this journal hasn't been deleted yet since I haven't posted since 2007. Second, It's nice to know that people can find a bit of comfort in knowing there are other people who feel the same way about the holidays. Yay for strangers post!
Now to the meat.
You'd think I'd learned my lesson in love and just stay the hell away from it. All the disillusion and pain it's brought me should be proper warning, or at least a reason for why I'm so skiddish going into this. And of course he had to bring major luggage to the party as well. It's just that it's him, and my stomach does flips and my heart races and I get all nervous and quiet, which makes him ask if I'm alright and I just want to look at him and tell him 'of course I'm alright you're standing in front of me and made me a cd full of love songs and you just made my day by being in it!' I will never say this. But he's been hurt, and I've been hurt and neither of us is moving very fast which is very frustrating, because he's finally free and I get my second chance which I've wanted for years. And every time I start to doubt, start to think I'm crazy, that he's not interested, that it's all in my head, I wonder why he made me a cd full of love songs.
I will not put my life on hold, in fact I think it just kicked into gear. I will go to England as planed and if the whole thing changes in a week I may never come out of my room again.
I want him to be available for me to love him as I want to, I want to be loved by him. All these years and only constantly coming into contact with him makes me think things about the universe and fate and stuff that has no bearing on if he'll want to go bowling on Thursday. God I hope he says yes.
I also sneakily gave him all he needs to truly find out about me and my dramas and fantasies, just don't know if he's as neurotic as me. We'll see.