I had an unblissful half hour of do nothing last Sunday and this is what happened. To note this had been building for a few hours that morning.
Love is a disease, A plague, A cancer. All consuming and mind numbing.
Infatuation at it's worst. Making you want to scream and cry and be held all at the same time.
Jealously comes when you least expect it, directing it at the least likely of suspects. It's not their fault you assure yourself, they're just the one who go caught in the middle.
But still you wonder, the middle of what. Nothing defined. Nothing said. Hints, windows. Then doors locked and key put away and then something cracks all over again and you just want to cry.
Should of never opened the door, never walked through. The silent distance would be better defined. At least then you would know, have some footing, but the gap is wide and foreboding.
And the heart still races and the sighs are long, because nothing has been said. It's all consuming. Looking makes it worse.
Writing at least helps to understand. Get it out. Explain the unexplainable.
Not wanting to be so out of control with thought and desire. In so much pain when nothing is said, so scared the wrong thing will be said. It's been said before. Not able to be undone. So much silence now, knowing that it doesn't help, words help. It's just how not to say the wrong words.
Desperate and crazy is no way to be.
And then I went and got myself together before I went and cried at work. Then I did something really stupid and flung opened a door I had closed and that man has been just been waiting for it to crack open a little of give him some hope. His actions later that evening and Monday were evidence to that. I'm a bad person sometimes, normally when I'm being selfish and jealous. Crazy emotions make it seem like time has stretched for eternity. It's hard to believe all of that happened only two days ago. I have to get myself in check.
I also have a doctors appointment tomorrow, which should be interesting because I'm planing on getting on birth control and all for him and god I don't even know how to complete that thought.
- Music:top forty